The Sights You See When You Don't Have A Gun
by clueless in seattle
Summary: The most interesting thing about this story is the blue towel...but since that's all Bobby is wearing throughout I guess it will appeal to a few people
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…oh boy…(Censored)…)_

_**Thinking about the situations Bobby gets himself into…and this one in particular…I remembered what my mother would say the moment she saw him…it seemed as good a title as any (thanks Mum xxx)**_

**THE SIGHTS YOU SEE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN **

"Hello" said Alex Eames sleepily. "Er…um…morning it's me" said the slightly hesitant voice of her partner Bobby Goren.

"Ugh Bobby" she groaned, "It's not even six am. Please don't use the words '_there's a nice fresh body been found we just have to be first to go see'_"

"Not exactly" he replied, "I wish I could"

"Well I don't" she muttered, "What is this about?"

"I…um… I could use some help Eames"

She sighed, wondering what it could be this time. "Surely you know how to deal with a shaving cut by now Bobby?"

"Yes I do. In fact I wish I was standing in my bathroom covered in bloody nicks," Bobby said grumpily. "So are you coming over or do I call someone else? Olivia doesn't live far away…" he mused.

"Aaargh! No" yelped Eames, leaping out of bed. "Don't do that Bobby. I'll be there in fifteen…maybe twenty minutes"

Goren might be a pain in the ass at times but he was _"her"_ pain in the ass. And the day Bobby's attention could be diverted from work and the latest bizarre situation he'd got himself into, onto matters of a more physical or hedonistic nature, Eames fully intended to be at the head of the line. With a large carton of chocolate ice cream. Olivia Benson might be her buddy, but she didn't entirely trust her on the matter of Bobby and Liv's bucket of tutti frutti would be like Greek yoghurt before _she_ ever got her hands on him.

"Bring your spare keys Eames," said Bobby "I can't get to the door right now. And…um…do you think you could try to hurry?"

"I'm in the bathroom right now" Eames said. Before realising whilst cordless phones were very useful, any further detail was probably unnecessary and certainly gross.

Seventeen minutes later she let herself into Bobby's apartment, thanks to her ability to steer a vehicle with her knees and apply mascara. She walked down the hall calling his name and found Bobby in the middle of the kitchen.

He was wearing a towel. A disappointingly large towel, which looked to be firmly secured around his waist. Even so she took her time studying every inch of the situation. From the top of his slightly rumpled curls all the way down to Bobby's feet, some seventy-six inches lower. They really were very large. Made her wonder yet again about that urban legend and curse the towel for the unknown inches it kept hidden. Of course he had that rather yucky big toe on his right foot and she saw a few strands of hair growing at the joints of both those toes. But wax strips would deal with that problem.

Meanwhile, Bobby stared back at Eames staring at him. Sincerely wishing she wouldn't lick her lips like that and just sorry he wasn't wearing more than just a very small face cloth. At least that's what it felt like, even though the towel was the largest bath sheet it was possible to buy. And one he'd secured with the sort of secret knots they teach you in the Army. He might need Eames help but he didn't entirely trust her at times. Especially when she got _"that"_ sort of look in her eyes.

"Is that one of the Egyptian cotton bath sheets _Bloomingdale's_ had in their Fall Sale?" Eames asked.

"Yes. As it so happens, it is" Bobby replied, relieved that was all she said in the circumstances.

"Pity" she murmured, before realising her wishful thinking they had only the small guest type when Bobby got there might be rather obvious.

"Did you never see a man in a towel before?" he said sharply to re-focus her attention a little higher up.

"Plenty" Eames said quickly. Then falsely correcting that to _"One or two"_ and hoping the addition of "_I have brothers remember",_ might cover the situation as well as a dark midnight blue was covering Bobby.

"So what happened?" she asked realising her partner hadn't budged an inch since she got there.

Bobby wriggled uncomfortably in a way suggested it wasn't the luxurious fluffiness of the towel making him itch. "I…er…um…my feet are stuck to the floor"

Eames burst out laughing, "Don't be ridiculous Bobby" she giggled. "You scrub this floor every day. Anyone would think you had been in the Navy as a deck-swabbing technician first class. I would eat my dinner off your kitchen floor except you wouldn't let me. It's mine that's like walking through treacle"

"That's true," he said recalling a time he almost lost the heel off one of his shoes at her place when it stuck firmly to the tiles.

"You are not supposed to agree with me Goren," she snapped in one of those _volte-face_ moments women achieve so effortlessly as one of the lesser-known side effects of oestrogen.

"You said it" he shrugged in a moment of reckless bravado for a man wearing only a towel and fixed helplessly to his kitchen floor. "And there's the reason why I'm stuck"

Bobby pointed to the counter where Eames could see that revolting cow cookie jar he owned.

"Did _Clara _fall apart again?" she asked seeing one or two pieces missing.

"And whose fault is that?" Bobby said sulkily, remembering it was Eames broke _Clara_ in the first place to get his hand out some months ago. "I was fixing her again between running a bath"

"Oh say no more Bobby," said Eames airily. "I'm a detective too you know. I see it all now. The _Superglue_ on the counter you didn't put the top back on" She bent down slightly. "I can see where it dripped on the floor. You come in unfortunately wearing… I mean luckily wearing…that large bargain price Egyptian cotton towel and hey presto. Your not so little piggies are not going to market, or home or anywhere else in a hurry"

"That about sums it up" Bobby growled. "Though why you have to go on about the origin of the towel is beyond me"

"Just because you remind me of those movies of Ancient Egyptians" Eames shrugged. "They were always shown wearing things like that" She giggled "You could be a statue of Tutangoren the Third with an orb and sceptre in your hand"

"Egyptian pharaohs were depicted holding a crook called a _heka_ and a _nekhakha_ or a flail" said Bobby almost wearily. "They symbolise the rule of a shepherd over his flock and probably the religious duties of the pharaoh. Since the flail was most likely used to prepare incense and other herbs for ceremonials"

"Really" said Eames who often grew irritated by Bobby's endless and esoteric knowledge. "And do you have either of those things around right now?"

"No" he said quietly

"And if you did would they get your size thirteen's unstuck from the floor?"

"No Eames" he said, with the sort of resigned submission she fervently hoped to hear from Bobby one day in very different circumstances.

"Good. Well if you just stick around here I'll…"

"That's not funny Eames" Bobby snapped

"I guess not" she said more kindly "I meant I'll go to the 24 hour pharmacy and get some nail polish remover. I believe that should get you free". Eames glanced at the floor. "A large bottle I think"

"Just make sure it has acetone in it Eames" added Bobby quickly before she could leave. "One of the few things will loosen cyanoacrylate which is the major ingredient of the glue"

"Hmm" she murmured thinking maybe that encyclopaedic knowledge did come in handy. She would have just bought the cheapest or the pink sort.

"Um…Eames" said Bobby quickly. "Before you go…er…" His face was going rather red. "There's something else…another slight problem"

"And?" she spun round impatiently

_**To be continued…**_


	2. Chapter 2

**THE SIGHTS YOU SEE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN (2)**

_**When we last saw Bobby he was making a proposal to Alex…hang on…that's another story…nah…he's still firmly stuck to his kitchen floor by glue, wearing only a towel and still finding more problems…**_

"And?" she spun round impatiently. "What now? Aaargh! Don't tell me the bath is still filling"

"No!!" Bobby yelled to stop her hurrying away. "If it was, you would have needed waders to get up the stairs" He paused. "And the sound…um…made my other…er…difficulty even worse"

"Well spit it out Bobby" said Eames who would never qualify for sainthood with her short fuse in the patience department.

"I wish it were that easy" he hissed blushing the pretty shade of pink she would have chosen for new towels. "I…um…I've been here for some time Eames…and er…between filling the bath and trying to fix _Clara_ I was drinking coffee"

Eames glanced at the large pot on the coffee machine, which was almost empty.

"Oh" she said quietly, "I see"

"Thank goodness" sighed Bobby "So I need something…to…um…"

"I see you got the _Salvatore_ Expresso machine" said Eames going to take a closer look. "How come you never said Bobby? Wow it's neat. What did you pay for it? You know I always wanted one of these. Is this the one with the 60 ounce jug?"

"Yes!!" Bobby almost screamed. "But what goes in has to come out. And unless we think of something quickly there will be a flood in here worse than any on the Nile, Tutangoren…I mean Tutankhamun…had to deal with in his brief reign over the New Kingdom of Egypt, in the years 1333 to 1324 BCE"

Eames turned round. "Always bursting to show off aren't you Goren?" she muttered.

"A very suitable word to describe my current situation" he murmured squirming slightly under the towel.

Eames went to rummage in the trash bin behind him, "How about an empty milk carton?"

"What size?" asked Bobby over his shoulder. "Or more accurately what capacity?"

"A pint" said Eames

"Forget it," he muttered knowing he would be shifting his feet with awkward embarrassment if they were not stuck to the floor.

"What's wrong with the sink?"" shrugged his partner. "Or are you going to freak out on me at the very idea? Say you never did and never would?"

"Have more than once and in situations don't matter right now," said Bobby casually. "And the sink is an excellent suggestion Eames. But for two problems"

"Oh trust you to be picky" she sighed.

"Not a question of being picky as you put it" snapped Bobby. "Just I happen to have my back to the sink and am approximately ten feet away from it right now. Problem one. Problem two, in case you forgot, is my feet are stuck to the floor. And since we are considering the difficulties of the situation, you can add a third obstacle"

"The table in the way?" suggested Eames trying to be helpful.

"No!!" yelled Bobby. "I'm not a bloody contortionist"

"I guess we found something you can't do," said Eames coolly with a glance at the coffee jug. "Seems a pity to waste the last of the _Blue Mountain_"

As his situation grew more desperate Bobby decided not to correct her and say it was _Monsoon Maqabar_ coffee. Eames would only make him suffer longer. He saw her eyes, for once, light up on something wasn't part of his anatomy.

"Oh no" he moaned as she picked up _Clara_ the bovine cookie jar. "I couldn't"

"Don't see you have a lot of choice," said Eames with a malicious grin. "You more or less got her fixed. It's only the ears and tail still missing. It's your own fault for having such a hideous cookie jar in the first place"

"It probably leaks" Bobby said quickly and wondering how much longer before he did.

"No it doesn't" said Eames going to the sink and turning on the tap. "Sound as bell. _Superglue_ does a good job every time. Plus there's the lid when you are…um…relieved of your problem"

She tipped out the water and shoved the cookie jar and the lid in his hand.

"Thanks" Bobby muttered not too graciously. Eames made no attempt to move. "Excuse me?"

"Oh yeah" she said, before turning at the door. "You couldn't do me a favour could you Bobby?"

"Like what?" he almost groaned.

"Wait until I get back with a camera" she grinned before screaming _"Aaaargh"_ and running for her life.

It had been a mistake to not see that Bobby's gun was on the table and well within his reach before saying that. Eames fled down the stairs.

Bobby set the gun back on the table, but still not totally trusting his partner, managed to wait a while longer. Until he heard the sound of screeching tyres, mothers screaming for their children to get out of the way and what sounded like the demise of the cat lived over the street. Always sure signs Eames was on the move in the SUV. _And she dared to comment negatively on his driving?_

"Sorry about this _Clara_" he said to the cookie jar, trying and failing not to think what it must look like. Made anything the Ancient Egyptians got up to with the _Sacred Bulls of Apis_ look very _"ordinary"_.

_**To be continued…**_

_**AN :**__ To understand exactly what Bobby's cookie jar is like you may find it helpful to have read "Saturday Afternoon"_


	3. Chapter 3

**THE SIGHTS YOU SEE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN (3)**

_**Stuck to his kitchen floor by "Superglue", wearing a dark blue towel and with a cow cookie jar on the table which has been used for unorthodox purposes, Bobby is waiting for Alex to return with nail polish remover…hah… and those guys who write for "CI" think they come up with some ingenious plot lines…amateurs…**_

"I'm home," said a cheery female voice forty minutes after she had left to make a ten-minute trip the pharmacy.

"So I see" said Bobby somewhat testily as Eames walked into the kitchen carrying six large carrier bags full to overflowing. "Where did you go? Philadelphia or Boston?"

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you Bobby" she replied with a glance at him. "Blue does though. In fact, in blue I think you look cute…really, really great…toe-curlingly gorgeous in fact"

Bobby glanced at his gun and edged it discretely nearer just in case. "Eames" he said briskly "I hate to be dull and boring but do you think we could worry about my toes for a moment? Before the glue makes them curl up any tighter?"

"Of course" she said beginning to unpack one of the bags. "They were having a clearance sale on make up just too good to miss"

"Really?" said Bobby as endless packages of potions and lotions got stacked on the counter.

"Uhuh. Just look at this deal they are doing on dual colour eye shadow…these pearlised blue tones might suit you…and these lip colours are just divine. Got the matching nail polish as well"

"I'm sure you got enough bargains to give the _Statue of Liberty_ a make over from head to toenails," said Bobby folding his arms. "But did you remember the nail polish remover?"

"Hmm" frowned Eames "Polish remover? Did I go for that? I wonder…"

"Eames" he growled.

"Just kidding," she said with a grin withdrawing a very large bottle. "Keep your towel on"

"I intend to" he murmured as she came over with that and a large roll of cotton wool.

Eames glanced at _Clara _the cookie jar sitting on the table and shuddered. "Yet one more reason why that thing is so vile"

"Call it around 30 fluid ounces worth of reason" muttered Bobby as she tipped the polish remover onto to a chunk of the fibre and went to crouch down.

"Whoa!!" he yelled. "Not so fast!! Hang on just a minute there" Bobby put his hands front and back, shoving a quantity of the generous towel between his legs and clamping them together. "Now you can get on the floor"

Eames sniggered. "Is Tutangoren thinking I might take a peek at his hidden treasure while I'm down there?"

"What Howard Carter said when he first saw the contents of Tutankhamun's tomb in the Valley of the Kings in 1922 was…_I see_ _wonderful things_" said Bobby tartly.

Before realising it was one of those occasions where playing clever wasn't such a good idea after all and only going to add to his problems. "Of course that was before he got struck by the mummy's curse and died after cutting his throat shaving" he added quickly.

"Oh is that where that comes from?" wondered his partner.

"Yes" he lied knowing it wasn't Carter who died. But Lord Carnarvon who paid for the expedition and from blood poisoning when he accidentally shaved the head off a mosquito bite.

"In any case" said Eames kneeling on the floor and beginning to wipe round the edges of Bobby's feet. "You look ridiculous like that Goren. Like a big baby in a giant diaper or Gandhi in his loincloth"

"Dhoti" he said with a sigh.

"No Gandhi" insisted Eames applying a generous amount of nail polisher remover. "You know? The movie? Ben Kingsley?"

"Yes I know I was referring to…" Bobby broke off with a slight giggle. "Never mind"

"On the other hand I doubt Gandhi ever weighed 240 pounds"

"215" muttered Bobby.

Eames gave him one of those _"Oh yeah?"_ looks, then asked, "Is anything starting to give way yet?"

"Aargh! I hope not," yelped Bobby instinctively grabbing the towel. "Oh I see what you mean," he tried to wriggle his toes, "Not really"

"I'll try and get some more between them"

Bobby giggled.

"Are you ticklish there?" asked Eames.

"No" he choked.

"Yes you are Bobby" she said gleefully. "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef…" Bobby was wriggling and muffling giggles. "While this little piggy had none. And this little piggy went…"

"Eames" Bobby snapped. "Please. Enough. Some consideration if you don't mind. For _Clara_. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear the rest…um…in the…er…circumstances"

"Of course" said Eames thinking of the line and wondering if her partner might not be as _"strange in the head"_ as a lot of the people at 1PP said after all.

She stood up. "Let's give that a chance to work shall we?" Eames went to one the bags and raked around for a moment. "The man in the shop said this would help"

She returned with what looked like of roll of tape.

"What's that?" asked Bobby suspiciously and refashioning his extra large towelling _"diaper"_ as Eames got back on the floor. "Are you sure you went to the regular pharmacy on 21st not that place on the corner?"

"Which one?" she asked, pressing on his big toes and trying to avoid looking too closely at the right one really was an unpleasant sight.

"_Voodoo For U"_ said Bobby starting to feel the soles of his feet separate from the kitchen floor and not leaving the skin behind.

"Yes" Eames made a sudden movement.

"Aaaargh" Bobby screamed leaping backwards free from the floor, though his big toes hurt like hell. "Shit what did you do?" He was hopping and stumbling around.

As he crashed into the table, Eames had to grab _Clara_ before she tipped over. And they had yet another problem she'd certainly leave Bobby and his well-used floor mop to deal with.

Meanwhile, he was realising he'd not tied the towel as tightly as he thought and his leaping around was liable to lead to slippage. Much more and he'd be _"sharing"_ rather more with Eames than the occasional large fries they had split in the past. His two big toes glowed bright red.

"Oh stop being such a baby" snorted Eames. "All I did was wax the hair off them. Women have to put up with far worse. Only the other day I had my…"

"Did you?" Bobby asked quietly. "Tell me more… I mean…I don't really want to hear any more". He'd slid the gun off the table to behind his back.

She advanced towards him with a tube of something in her hand. "I can rub some of this in if you want. Takes away the stinging?"

Bobby swallowed heavily as her fingernail touched the centre of his chest and ran slowly down towards his navel.

_**To be continued…**_


	4. Chapter 4

**THE SIGHTS YOU SEE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN (4)**

_**With his now hairless feet unglued from the floor, Bobby (and his towel) are free for Alex to pursue around the kitchen…**_

Bobby swallowed heavily as her fingernail touched the centre of his chest and ran slowly down towards his navel.

Suddenly his cell phone began to chirp.

"_Thank you, thank you Satan and all your little pixies"_ breathed Bobby silently at the excellent timing proved someone was on his side. Before adding aloud "I love the smell of napalm in the morning"

"_Full Metal Jacket_" said Eames handing him the tuneful phone.

"No it was not!" Bobby snapped very uncharacteristically. "That quote and _The_ _Ride of the Valkyries _is from _Apocalypse Now_"

Eames stuck out her tongue, glared at _Clara_ like this was all her fault and went back to inspecting her make up purchases.

"Tutangoren… I mean Bobby Goren," he said. "Uhuh…um… I see…oh really…that's great news…er…yeah should do. Bye"

"Don't tell me" muttered Eames. "There's a fresh body we have to be in first in line to see?"

Bobby grinned like he'd woken up to find he'd grown a second one. "Better than that"

"It's two fresh bodies knowing your idea of a good time Goren," said his partner feeling the coffee pot.

"Even better Eames. Possibly up to five different individuals. If you look out the window we may be able to see the other parts of them floating by around now in the Hudson"

"Oh shit" she muttered.

"Dunno about that" he shrugged distractedly. "Not since the clean water laws were brought in"

Bobby was hurrying to the door.

"Hey!!" yelled Eames. "Are you forgetting something?" She pointed to the table. "I think _Clara _has an appointment with the bathroom. And I'm not doing that"

"Oh yeah" Bobby blushed and very carefully lifted the cookie jar from the table. "I won't be long. Just have a quick bath. Make some fresh coffee if you want…er…what's the…oh yeah…make yourself at home"

"Thanks" Eames muttered as Bobby, his blue towel would have suited him even better if the floor was wearing it and _Clara_ vanished in the direction of the bathroom.

She stared a moment at the blue fluff under her fingernail she'd removed from Bobby's navel. What he'd no doubt call _"fibre transfer"_ or something really dull. _"Cute and sexy"_ sounded much better. But as soon as she heard the bathroom door shut, the toilet flush and fresh bath water running, she sprang into action.

Bobby said to make herself feel at home and he wasn't the only one with powers of detection. Within four minutes she'd rifled the closet in his bedroom and all the dresser drawers for any sign of a woman's clothes. The laundry basket needed more care because he was such a _"neat freak"_ even the things in there were folded. Two of his socks had holes and no wonder with that nasty, right big toe of his. She pulled a UV light from her jacket and was just about to whip back the bedclothes to inspect the sheets, when there was a horrible sound.

"Aaaargh" Bobby's muffled scream echoed across the hall.

"What is it?" she said anxiously trying the door, which was locked. Though her concern for him overcame bitter disappointment. Almost.

"Um…oh…I seem to have…er…another little problem," said Bobby.

"That happens to all guys Bobby" she called. "Put more hot water in. Things will soon look bigger and better"

"No" he said irritably amid some loud splashing sounds. "It's not that…damn…aargh" he yelled again. "Shit that hurts"

Eames tried to shoulder the door down. "And so does that" she muttered wondering if she had dislocated it. "Bobby. Stay calm. What did you do?"

"Sat on my model of the _USS Enterprise_" he said angrily.

"The Starship?" puzzled Eames trying to peek through the keyhole.

"Don't be silly," snapped Bobby amid more splashing noises. "The aircraft carrier. I was planning a re-enactment of the Battle of Midway this morning. Before my feet got stuck"

"Are you hurt?"

"Let's just say I've sustained minor damage below the water line, but her flight deck is going to take a whole lot of work to put right"

Eames laughed, "I guess worse things happen at sea"

"Very funny Eames" called Bobby. There were some banging noises from inside.

"Bobby!!" she thumped on the door. "Now quit fooling around. We have some body parts to go and see"

"Not until we work out a way of getting my big toe from out of the hot tap, we don't Eames"

As his bathwater moved like a small tidal bore up towards the far end of the bath and Bobby writhed around in it, he heard a loud thud from outside the door. Like something fell on the floor.

"Eames?" he called nervously. "Are you okay?"

There was no reply.

"Eames!" he said again. "Please don't joke with me. Are you there? Answer me please"

Again there was silence.

"Oh dear" he breathed reaching for his cell phone and pressing the buttons. "Hello. Fire Department? My names Robert Goren. I'm a cop. Oh hi Stan…yeah I remember you…look I have a bit of a situation here…"

_**AN:**__ I'm calling this one quits…before I become totally unglued myself…wibble wibble diddle droogles…_


End file.
